


Bright Eyes

by CandythepotatoDatz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anorexia, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28756104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandythepotatoDatz/pseuds/CandythepotatoDatz
Summary: A one chapter fic inspired by the song "Bright Eyes" by Lua.Honestly, this was kind of just me projecting myself into Kenma, so I hope yall enjoy.There's a bunch of TW's by the way:•Anorexia•Mental hospital•hospitalization•addiction•mild nsfw•suicide mention•overdose mention•mild homophobia(I kinda unpublished and republished, so I'm sorry to my old readers!)
Kudos: 6





	Bright Eyes

Society, that piece of shit. 

Always building a certain standard of people up while oppressing the others only for them to keep on fighting for a place to belong, which doesn't do jack shit half the time.

I let out a breath, seemingly visible as it puffed out my mouth.

Snowflakes gracing down slowly, almost mockingly.

I walked through the cold streets of Tokyo, shaking, desperately praying my jacket would be enough to supply me warmth.

It was all for naught really, my body was failing, my extremities ice, but I was this willing to go anyway. 

Taxis zoomed by, people yelled, fought broke out, drunks were thriving, people and their excessive PDA.

I could've been at home playing games, ignoring the destructive temptations around me, as they whispered mockeries into my ear. 

Shut up.

"Sir, are you alright?" A deep voice asked from behind me. Probably another one of those fucking creeps. 

I ignored him. 

People need to mind their own business; I'm not exactly giving a shit about his. I know I sound rude, but seriously, do I look like I have the damn capacity to care right now?

"Sir, your skin is turning a certain tinge, I'm a doctor and I'm kind of concerned," the man continued to follow.

I know, but I don't give a fuck.

"Leave me alone," I glared at him, murderous intent evident. Atleast, that's what I hoped. 

God, I'm really sorry.

I went on my merry way. One step at a time, the same flat blocks I'd walk through. The same stores, but different faces each time I walk by the same damn scenarios as they happen.

This place was pretty popular for dates and proposals, so it wasn't a surprise it happened a lot.

He wasn't following anymore.

When in hell is this nightmare going to end, my headache was growing.

Woes of an addict.

A few hours pass and there it was in front of me.

A secluded corner; A party house only known to the elite few, and the lucky people who bumped their way into it.

"Kenma! Come on, you took such a long time—Jesus, looks like someone died from hypothermia." Brunette bitch baby, Oikawa.

"Hey, Ken, you sure you up for this? You look kinda....Well, blue." Silver hair, mole by his right eye, Sugawara. He held my face in his hands.

God, his hands were cold too.

"Blue balls? Nah that's all Tooru," I tapped Koshi's shoulder and smirked, eyeing mentioned lad and rolled my eyes. 

It's cold as hell out here.

"Let's just get it over with," I grunted.

°°°

"Who knew you were so needy tonight KenKen," mocked Oikawa as he let out another puff of smoke, his blunt almost half over.

I was on my second roll as I sped through the first.

"Fuck off," I gave him the bird, took a drag, then slowly puffed out smoke. This was only the beginning of more, I was going to finish my bag tonight and ultimately regret it in the morning.

"So, Mr. I'm-so-fucking-skinny-I-look-like-I'm-about-to-pass-away-at-any-given-moment, what caused you to you know, be like,,,that?" he blew his smoke into my face.

Bitch.

"Shit happens." Nothing more, nothing less. 

Oikawa only pouted as he pounced onto Sugawara, "Koshiiiiiiiiii, pleaseeeee." The ash blonde only blew smoke onto the brunette's face, "I have a boyfriend, don't be a dick.". 

Oikawa only pouted as he laid back on the middle of the bed.

"Whatever you're thinking, my answer is already no, give it up bitch," I glared menacingly as he started to give me a look. 

"Please? I'm gonna give you the rest of my bag if you do?" Puppy eyes. Disgusting.

I scoffed. It was a good deal though, well shit.

"Deal, don't overdo it though, I'm gonna actually fucking kill you if you do."

"Yes sir!" He saluted as he got on top of me. "Now, pillow princess, I wonder how loud I can get you."

My head throbbed, "You know what? Do your worst." He only smirked, his head turning towards the other stoner in the room. "You sure you don't wanna join?" And Sugawara only answered, "I don't know, why don't we find out?"

Hungry lips crashed into mine.  
.

.

.

I woke up, head heavy. My body feeling disgustingly sticky and sore from last night's events. I turned my head to the side, there was a note by the desk.

"Till next time ;)" Behind said note was a bag of weed. 

More for me, I guess.

The two already left.

I checked my phone: "10:53 am."

Well, damn, another couple hours of life, wasted.

I quickly got up and went into the shower. It was basically a routine anyway. We knew every crevice of this house, as if we owned it.  
.

.

.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Purple and pink bruises adorned me, from my neck, to my collar, and my inner thighs. Oikawa that bitch really, ugh.

I inspected myself further, my ribs were protruding, collar and hip bones prominent, almost painfully so. I didn't mean for it to get this far, but fuck it, it happened.

What the fuck am I living for anyway? Never really had a reason for my being. My parents threw me out once they figured out that I wasn't actually going to college and beat me up. I was thrown out, half dead. I later on got a job as a convenience store worker, to continue to go on signing a contract for an entertainment company.. 

But really they only watch because I look like a fucking twink. Atleast, that's what the media says.

Who the fuck would care if I went anyway, it's just a guy playing games, there are so many out there.

I'd say I'm replacable?

.

.

.

God.

My head throbbed, my body sore. I felt light headed, but that was understandable as I hadn't ingested anything but sweet, sweet nicotine in the past couple hours.

I walked down the cold winter streets of Japan, to my flat. My fingers ice. My body and an unnatural tinge of blue and purple, shivering to the hunger and cold, begging for warmth.

I looked at my surroundings, pigeons walked here and there while people rushed and passed by busy monday morning streets. I pushed my way through the best I can and ended up in a coffee shop.

I sighed and ordered my usual bitter cup of dark coffee. Sat down on a chair and groaned into folded arms. 

Pathetic.

I lifted my head and searched my pockets for my notebook and pen. The therapist said writing out your feelings help, but honestly I just feel more like crap.

Maybe, just maybe, if I took it seriously, it would work. But I'm persistent like that, stupid too.

"Wow, this is what my life has come to huh?" I walked out the shop, discarding my cup by the bin. I took a pre-rolled blunt and walked to a smoking area. I lit the blunt and took a drag. 

I sighed and felt myself get irritated.

What the fuck?

My vision became spotty and I felt myself start lose consciousness. I honestly couldn't tell whether I was high, disassociating, or if I was going to pass out.

But I guess it was the latter of the three.

.

.

.

My eyes stung as I attempted to open my eyesthe, light slightly blinding me. Sounds of beeping resonated throughout the room. White walls and open windows with curtains tinge of blue. Bed, a blank white. A yellow wristband adorned on my wrist.

Jesus, I was here for the long run this time.

"Mr. Kozume? I see you're awake," a familiar voice said from beside me, I knew exactly who it was though. It was that creep from yesterday. 

"What the fuck do you want and where did you bring me," I knew exactly where I was, this wasn't my first rodeo.

"You know exactly where you are Mr. kozume."

I groaned and looked at my arms that were strapped back in resistance. Jesus Christ, am I in an insane asylum this time? 

"Only to ensure you don't escape this time, unless of course you have contacts to pick you up, where are your parents?"

Prick.

"Don't think that you know jack shit about me, I don't care where they are, and they don't care about where I am. I'm an adult, don't treat me like a kid, I'm capable of making my own decisions," I snarled.

"With the way that you treat yourself, I beg to differ," he was writing on his file holder.

"Get me out of here dick."

"An abrasive way of speaking, I see. Oh, how rude of me, I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Dr. Tsubasa, but I'm putting one of the newbies as your official doctor."

"Colour me stoked."

"Okay, thanks for the chat, your doctor will be here in a moment."

.

.

.

Fierce golden eyes met onyx. 

A man with a fucking rats nest for hair. He looked hike a rooster. But his eyes were piercing, something akin to a cat's.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Kozume, I'm going to be your doctor during your stay, my name is Dr. Kuroo and I hope we cooperate with each other," he bowed in a very rigid sort of way.

Ah, yeah, he was a newbie, totally.

"Kenma, just Kenma.How long do I stay here?" He knew the answer already, but you know.

"Well, sir that entirely depends on you," Kuroo replied quickly. Like it was rehearsed.

Uhuh.

I stared at the tag on my wrist, but my eyesight is shit, so no matter how hard I squinted, I couldn't read what was on there. 

"They're just barcodes Kenma," I eyed the doctor once more. "I can already guess. Anemia, anorexia, and god knows what else you people came up with." Rolling my eyes, I turned my head towards the window.

.

.

.

"Just get me out of here, sign the god damned papers, and I'll be out of your skin," I rubbed at my temples. "I'll pay you, if that's what you're worried about." I really didn't wanna argue with this bitch right now, but this was my last resort.

"Whoever gave you the idea that you could call us, after becoming the, the insane, absolutely vile creature you are, they must be insane themselves to think we'd get you out. You stay there, that's where you belong, with all the other behemoths." And with that ended the call.

Mother. God, this is all laughable. This all better be one big joke or else I'm going to fucking off myself or something.

What the fuck do I do now?  
.

.

.

"I hate you, you know that right?" The smirking doctor wheeled me back into my room, right after that unsuccessful phone call with my birth canal and sperm donor.

"You could always just wait, you know," Kuroo shrugged his shoulders and I let out an exasperated sigh.

I really could use a hit right now. I scratched at my neck, cold sweats and heavy breaths erupted as my body craved. 

Now in my room, Kuroo grabbed my hands away from my throat. His eyes bore intensely into mine. 

"I know you're feeling the withdrawal symptoms right now, but you need to stop scratching and resist. If you wanna get out of here sooner than later, listening to me and the staff is your best bet."  
.

.

.

"I hate you, you know that right?" He was checking my vitals for the nth time this week. 

I've been stuck in this place for 3 weeks and honestly, it wouldn't have been that bad if I hadn't had the shittiest withdrawal symptoms.

"To think you say that daily, I'd think you're in denial you actually love me, you just don't wanna admit it," he winked at me and wrote on his board once more.

"Kozu—Kenma, I know it's hard for you, but if you don't want the tube, I think you know what to do." 

I had just gotten the tube two days ago because apparently I was losing weight. 

Not like I was trying to. 

I didn't have the damn restraints anymore on my arms, but that didn't mean they weren't constantly checking my body for anything suspicious every other day.

My therapist was more than grateful that I wasn't one of those who just loved to see blood and was a sadist or some shit and loved to hurt myself.

Well, I kinda was, but not in a way that you'd see in those articles where there's a pie chart and the biggest slice of that pie of self loathing represented the population of depressed beings who mutilated themselves. I was one of those die slowly in the inside people, I guess.

"Listen to your therapist okay?" Were the last words I heard before Kuroo exited the room.  
.

.

.

Group therapy.

I fucking hated it. 

Hearing the woes of each and every individual and at the same time pressured to say how your day was. Saying you've made and finished a goal and what kind of 'emotions' you've been feeling, and rating it out of ten, really wasn't as it easy as it sounds.

"Okay everyone, today we have a new person who's going to be joining us, so please be welcoming to him okay? Please introduce yourself hun." Our therapist— her name was Kiyoko or something—quietly nudged the new member.

That's a first. Not the first guy, I happened to be that, but he's the first guy who's come here since I've been admitted here. Three weeks is a long time, especially when you don't exactly have any sort of perception of time.

He was lanky, pretty tall, I'd say 6 feet, shaggy black hair, and half-lidded bespectacled cyan eyes; he was beautiful. 

"My name is Keiji Akaashi," his voice, smooth. The volume only a semitone higher than a whisper. 

Whispers erupted amongst the female majority. 

"Okay everyone why don't we start the normal drills to show Keiji here how it goes! And don't forget to introduce yourselves, as we have newcomer here with us today!" Her eyes smile go through our circle and of course they landed on me. "Kenma, why don't you go first?"

I stared at her blankly and sighed. "I'm Kenma Kozume, I'd rate today a 5, not because anything good happened, but nothing bad happened either. As for my goal, I guess I did write a bit more into my journal. My next goal is probably going to be the same," I picked at my nails while doing so, not in the mood for any eye contact.

"What about your general feelings, hm?" She folded her legs and perched her chin on her hands. Motioning me to go on.

"No attacks. The pills have been helping, but they make me dull, I guess that's not so much of a bad thing, they give me migraines though," I don't generally talk this much, but since I want to get out of here as quickly as I can, a man's gotta do what he's gotta do. 

Am I actually trying to get better? Who knows?

Cyan eyes locked into mine, peering in.

.

.

.

"You'll have a roommate move in, aren't you excited?" Kuroo almost bounced in joy, and if I were a bystander, i'd have thought he was the one getting the roommate. 

"As long as they don't snore or bother me, I don't give a damn." I doodled in my notebook little patterns and such.

The door peered open and there he was, "Sorry for the intrusion. I was told this will be the room I'll be staying in." My eyes locked into his once more. 

Oh.

"Oh welcome Keji! Don't fret it, just try and think of this as a second home." Kuroo approached Akaashi and patted his shoulder comfortably. The latter male nodded quietly.

"And don't worry, Kenma over here won't bite, he's just cranky," he chuckled as he whispered all too obnoxiously.

"Totally deaf too," I gave him the bird and shut my notebook, shoving it into the drawer by my bedside.

"Well, all that said, I have other patients to attend to, I'm gonna bounce, bye!" He threw a peace sign and exited the room.

Some professional he is.

Akaashi nervously put his bag into the bed and put on the hospital issued pajamas. I just looked elsewhere while he did so, because, I'm not a creep.

"First time?" I blurted out. Kenma, what the fuck are you doing?

"Second," he replied solemnly as he sat down on the bed.

"What are you here for?" He rebounded. Ah, I guess we're doing this now.

"Passed out cold on the streets about three weeks ago, low blood pressure and I was hypothermic. I think you can guess by the tube in my nose what I'm here for." 

Akaashi quietly nodded as he placed a picture frame by his bedside. He faced me once more and I nodded at him to say something.

"My boyfriend threw me in here. Caught me almost swallowing an entire bottle of pills." 

Ah.

.

.

.

"I have no time to be a mopey little baby, I want to get out, and get out I will." My tube was finally off after two weeks of pestering and promises to eat and not lose any more weight.

Kuroo grinned, a smile the cheshire cat could never even comprehend. "That's the spirit!" He patted my back gently. 

"How's the new pills, no migraines?" He'd given me new medication, and this one was helping, not that I'd admit it out loud. 

"No." 

That's all he's getting from me.

Three knocks rebounded throughout the room, the source seemingly the door. A pair of amber eyes peeked in and I swear I saw Akaashi smile just now.

"Akaashi!" Yelled a man child. His hair was white, but black at the roots, it stood up, seemingly gelled and styled that way. 

Ah great, another Kuroo. 

"How have ya been 'Kaashi?" He wrapped his arms around the latter, whose face was buried into his chest.

I wanted to gag, no cap.

"I missed you," was the reply from the person asked. 

This man child was Akaashi's boyfriend, Bokuto. God, I have no idea how he can can deal with him on a daily basis. Akaashi is truly a saint.

Bokuto cupped Akaashi's face and gave him a quick peck, "I love you, get well soon, okay babe?" 

Diabetes, I was getting diabetes. Low RBC, but high blood sugar? Oh, I'm getting a stroke.

Kuroo cleared his throat. To catch the couple's attention. "This is a hospital, not a motel please remember that," he smiled lightly and bowed before he left the room.

Gross, I'm third wheeling again.

.

.

.

No one visited, not for me.

That wasn't a surprise.

I mean, my roommate was great, despite the major make out sessions he and his partner would have every now and then during visitation days. 

But he was enough, if that makes sense.

I've been really calm these days, it's probably the medication though. 

"Hey, Kenma. I don't wanna prod, but for the past couple months, I don't think anyone has come visit, nor have you called or messaged anyone since your first day here," I turned to my side and Kuroo was adjusting my IV once more.

"Don't have any friends." 

It wasn't exactly a lie, as Koshi and Tooru were more of hookups than actual friends.

Kuroo hummed in understanding. 

"Then I wonder who's been blowing up your phone," he pouted and placed his pen on his cheek. 

I furrowed my eyebrows. 

There's no way they'd call me, right?

"Two people called you day in and out until your phone died actually, the people holding your phone were going bat shit," he peered at me with a teasing glare. 

"I think the names were Koshi and Tooru, by the way, that Koshi couldn't be Koshi Sugawara by any chance? If I can recall I had a flatmate who would swoon over said name, now they're dating. Daichi, ring any bells?"

Shit.

"I want a phone call."

.

.

.

"YOU BITCH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING," Tooru was sobbing hysterically, Koshi behind him not too far from doing the same.

I just sat in silence. I didn't exactly know what to say in situations.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out turning my head away.

And then I felt two sets of arms wrap around my shoulders. 

I didn't know what the fuck was going on, all I knew is that I cried, so much. 

Is this what being cared for feels like? 

I gripped hard onto both of them as I apologized.

Over and over again.

"Kenma, don't do that again, please," whimpered Suga, still in a fit of tears.

"I wont, I promise."

.

.

.

.  
I woke up in the middle of the night. 

Why? I have no idea.

I just jolted up suddenly awake and unusually energised. 

I focused my attention on my roommate and he was emitting small snores, in deep slumber. 

I stood up and walked towards the window. 

I don't remember the last time I really looked at the night sky, it almost feels like forever.

The thought of me being outside, partying at night, getting high, and screwing whoever, as an attempt of escaping reality, it felt like a distant memory.

A memory that wasn't mine, like I was looking through another's eyes. 

I rested my arms by the window frame. Looking below at the glittering buildings. 

It wasn't snowing anymore. 

How long was I here for again?

Three months? 

It felt like eternity. 

I don't remember nights being spent like this; I don't remember nights being so easy to breathe in.

Maybe it was all one big fantasy. 

.

.

.

Mornings were always harder than the nights, I just realized that. When you had to face reality and deal with the consequences.

Hungover, groggy, sore, and so many other things. 

But now I felt,

Free?

But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

Huh. 

I never thought mornings could feel like nights too.

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this.

Everything was hazy like that.

Could I live this way?

The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did.

I think I can, I guess I will.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hopefully it wasn't confusing!


End file.
